Vaisakh 9 556 BCE Shukravar

Knowledge can be communicated, but wisdom cannot. This is what Govinda did not understand. I saw him today, and, similarly to our last meeting, he did not recognize me. It was years ago that Govinda stopped in the forest when he noticed a man sleeping, unaware that the sleeping man was me, but he still has not changed. He is still a Samana, is still on the same path that he has been since we were young men. Govinda spent the night in my hut and I was very glad to have him as my guest and bond with him again. He was very curious about my thoughts because he has not yet found what he is seeking. It frustrated me that Govinda has not changed, has not matured, has not gained wisdom since he made his decision to become a follower of Gotama. I want so badly to help him, so I tell him to kiss me on the forehead. When he does this, he experiences the bliss that he has searched for since he was a young man. The expression that was on Govinda’s face reminded me of the time by the river when I reached Enlightenment. I have realized that Nirvana is not something achieved in a day, but that it is something that is always around us because time does not exist. I have lost the arrogance and superiority of my youth and learned that all people are extraordinary and can achieve Enlightenment.

Chaitra 17 554 BCE Guruvar

My son is gone. I tried following him, but I could not find him. As I walked among those in the city, I remembered my past life. My nights with Kamala and my riches as a merchant. Vasudeva told me that perhaps my son does not want to be found. I now know that I was not a good father. I thought that perhaps he would have learned on his own, but Vasudeva pointed out that that was probably why he ran away. It is a horrible feeling to know that you are the reason your child has left. I only wish Kamala was here, maybe she could help me understand our son. I have decided to listen to the river. It is the only thing that I know will not betray me. I tried today. The river laughed at me, but also made me realize something important. I feel so empty without my son, just knowing that he is out there on his own. The river made me realize that just as I feel like this, my own father probably felt the same way. The man who taught me experienced the same thing I am currently going through. As I listened to the river, I also saw every person that I have ever seen. My father, myself, and my son. Kamala, Govinda and others. I heard myself growing from a child to the man I am now. What surprised me the most was that this time, everything seemed different. Everything seemed somehow connected. It all suddenly came together, everything combined to make the Om. Vasudeva was with me and encouraged me to listen better. I tried, very hard I tried. And I finally understood, I finally found what I was searching for. I no longer feel empty, my Self has merged into unity. I am no longer fighting my destiny. I finally understand the unity of all things. Vasudeva smiled as he saw this on my face. It turns out that he was a follower of the Buddha. I say "was" because he no longer knows where he is in life. He has left to the forest. I am glad to see him leave, for he told me that he is returning to the unity of all things. I feel so relieved. I feel free.

Chaitra 13 553 BCE Ravivar

I have slowly come to realize my son does not see me as his father. It is now apparent to me that the life he lived as a rich boy has spoiled him. He had servants, fine clothes, and fine foods. He has not only lost his mother but also his home. My son cannot love me the way I love him. This realization caused great sorrow for me. My new friend Vasudeva tried to comfort me. He suggested I should be more strict with him. Or take him into town and give him to the servants to be pampered. I could not do this. There is no way I can give up my son. So I continued to let him act as he pleased. Then came the day when he truly showed me how how much he despised me and his new life. He spoke words of anger and rage towards me. After this, my son, my only child ran away, taking Vasudeva's money. Vasudeva and I went looking for him. Our search brought me to a town that once held so many memories. I have not found my son, but I fear my searching is useless.

Chaitra 7 552 BCE Somvar

I have found the old ferryman and widower named Vasudeva who had taken me across this river all those years ago. He took me in as his assistant and for many years, he taught me the knowledge of the river. The river’s teachings included that you have to sink to the bottom to reach the top, that there is no such thing as time and above all, to listen without opinion or judgment. For a long time, I was happy, sitting at dusk with Vasudeva thinking of life and death and wisdom. Many travelers who thought that the river was a hindrance on their journey instead found solace in the words of the two ferrymen. Soon many others quested to hear our knowledge, but they only found two old men enjoying the quiet and holy Om of the river.

The Buddha Gotama was at last on his deathbed and hundreds flocked to see their savior ascend to Eternity. Kamala and her son were on their way to see Gotama as well when a black snake bit her leg. Vasudeva heard her son’s screams and brought Kamala to the hut. We cleaned her wound but we could tell she was dying. She told me that the youth was mine and gave me one last smile before passing to the next life. As my son slept, Vasudeva and I build a funeral pyre for Kamala. Her death has saddened me, but I have gained a bright son today. 

Chaitra 1 550 BCE Mangalwar

I have left my life and property which I so foolishly squandered. I know I cannot go back to that life again. I miss my beloved Kamala but I had to leave her. That life distracted me. I could never be truly happy there. I ran into the groves towards a coconut tree by the river. I fell asleep. To my surprise, I have awoken to a very familiar face. My old friend Govinda has found me under the tree. He has followed the Illustrious One all over the land to this town. He saw me in deep sleep and stayed with me, not recognizing my face. I have grown older and greyer since we last met.  He had to return to his fellow monks and he left me with a profound goodbye. Seeing the more youthful Govinda has shown me how strange my path has become. I became a drunk and a gambler. I must put these passions behind me and become young again. In this new mindset, this new Siddhartha, I am happy. I think I’ll stay at this river a little longer.

Phalgun 25 550 BCE Budhwar

I have lived the life of the world and all its pleasures for very long. I have tasted wealth, lust, and power and for a long time my heart remained a Samana's. I have become rich, I had money and knowledge, but no close ones. None but my Kamala. The pride that has been endowed on me has felt stronger than ever. I am clever and smart, more so than the child's people. I have learned how to wield power over people, over women, and over myself. I have learned to gamble and play dice and enjoy the dancing girls. However, I have felt a sense of longing and remorse. Like a veil of the thin mist settled upon me. Every day it grew thicker. My voice, my innermost voice, the one that had awaken me and guided me, where has it gone? Why has it grown so silent? This world held it captive. It restrained me. This longing, the assets, and the wealth had captured me. I have gone astray. I have lost myself. This would no longer be so! This, this game was not necessary! This game is Samsara, a game for children. Maybe nice to place once, twice or even ten times, but no longer! Something has died inside of me. When I was under the mango tree, I remembered much of Gotama, even Govinda. Then, I left. I know Kamaswami and Kamala must have worried for me, but I know that they realized that this world just is not for me. I will never forget Kamala; she taught me so many things and I hope that I will see her again some day.

Phalgun 19 533 BCE Shukravar

I have finally met the merchant, Kamaswami. I hope to learn very much from him and I hope that this path will help me reach Enlightenment. After I proved to him that I can read and write, he invited me to be his guest, live in his house, and help him conduct business. His house is a wondrous place, with fancy clothes and shoes and meals and servants who cater to your every need. However, I always remember Kamala’s advice: to not become subservient to Kamaswami, but to treat him as an equal. Soon, I became very involved in his business and began to take part in the risks and rewards, but it is all irrelevant to me. I would rather spend time with people and learn about their lives, their hardships, their struggles. Last week, Kamaswami grew very angry at me because I did not do as he asked and by some crops from a local village, instead I spent many days with the people and established friendships with them. Business does not interest me. My heart is not in business. It is, however, with Kamala. I visit her regularly and continue to learn more and more about the art of love. Unfortunately, I have concluded that I do not love Kamala, I cannot. Similarly, Kamala does not love me. Only ordinary people can love. We are not ordinary.

Phalgun 15 533 BCE Somvar

Today I learned about love. I kissed the most beautiful lips of the most beautiful woman that I have ever laid my eyes on. I was extremely lucky that she was even willing to see me. She told me that she remembered seeing me yesterday in her garden, but she saw a different version of me. The Siddhartha with long, wild hair and a dirty, knotted beard is not the Siddhartha that wooed Kamala with a poem and kissed her on the lips. I cleaned myself up, cut my hair, and shaved my beard so that I could be worthy of seeing the beautiful courtesan. Leaving the Samanas has proved to be a very wise decision. If I had never been re-awakened, I would not have met Kamala or experienced the art of love. This would be a great tragedy, due to the fact that I have already experienced so much with her, and I know I will be seeing much more of her because she has arranged for me to meet with and possibly work for Kamaswami, the businessman. However, I am still feeling doubtful about being with a woman. It is very strange and very new, but I would very much like to continue my relationship with Kamala. Hopefully, I will find what I am looking for with her, or with Kamaswami. Only time will tell.

Phalgun 6, 533 BCE Shanivar

My mind races deep in thought about the Buddha and my dear friend Govinda. The Buddha's words and teachings are unlike any other. It is no surprise to me that Govinda decided to stay with him and learn from the Enlightened one himself. Now I need to ask myself, what was it that I wanted to learn from teachings and teachers? What is it I truly wished to learn? And what is it that I already have learned? Why? Because... I don't know Siddhartha. I am afraid of Siddhartha. I was fleeing from myself. While seeking Brahman, Atman, I was destroying myself. I lost who I was on this path to enlightenment. But no longer. No longer will I try to escape from Siddhartha. No longer will I devote my thoughts to Atman and the world's sorrows. The world is beautiful. Truly beautiful. How deaf and stupid I have been. I may be alone but I am looking forward, not back. No longer towards my home, no longer to my father, no looking back.

Phalgun 3, 533 BCE Budhwar

We have seen him! The Perfect One, Gotama! Govinda and I left. I could not stand it any longer. We followed a group of men headed into the town of Savathi. I could hardly keep myself from breaking into a run. I was so excited! Govinda and I sat mesmerized by this man. He had so many followers. The sight was truly breathtaking. But, once the Buddha began to speak, I could not seem to focus. I was shocked at some of his words. He was so blunt and experienced. Gotama knew everything and had reached Nirvana. He is the only man I have ever seen that acted as he did. He begged for food as we did, but he did it differently. I can't really explain it. His followers seemed to mimic him, as Govinda and I. But this man, he walked with purpose. Gotama walked with no shame and with the energy of a young man. This surprised me because this man is aged, his face shows it greatly. I had to speak with him. At first, I didn't know what I should say. But when I was face to face with the Enlightened One, it was as if I felt a great power. I have never felt like that before. I spoke from my heart. I told him that what he was teaching was not teachable. It made no sense at first. But he seemed to understand what I meant. I truly admire the man because all he did was listen and advise me to act on my words. He was right! I have to do something. I told Govinda about my decision to leave, and he wept. It was difficult to say good-bye to the dearest friend I have. He also expressed to me his desire to stay with Gotama. Honestly, I felt sorry for my friend and for myself. I wish he could have come. But he has his own path to follow. I'm sorry to say that Govinda now goes down a path separate from my own. I am on my way to a city. I have no  idea which one, but I hope to experience the things that Gotama spoke of. I'm frightened of what awaits me.

Magh 29, 533 BCE Shukravar

I think I have found the path to Nirvana. I am hungry, thirsty, and in grave need of a bath. But I am content. For now at least. Knowing myself, I will probably soon leave. But I shall give my all to this Samana lifestyle. My back aches from sleeping on the ground, I can't get a good night's sleep sometimes. Govinda is like a loyal puppy. Even so, I love him dearly. He is the one that has supported me the most. He does not understand my yearning for a purpose in living. I feel superior to him in ways, but he does not know that. The Samanas do not teach very well. I miss the proper teachings. Some travelers spoke to us about an "Enlightened One", as they called him. I am told he knows many things. Govinda and I wish to hear his teachings. Perhaps I shall finally hear a speech worth listening to. These old Samanas bore me with knowledge that I already know. Though I must admit that I have learned one thing: patience. My patience has been tested and is constantly being tested. I feel as though animals I see tempt me everyday. When I see them, I must contain myself from an outburst. My stomach growls as travelers cook their meals. Govinda has confided in me that it pains him to see them waste such food. To them it merely crumbs, but to us Samanas, a feast. It was difficult to beg for food at first. But, I was forced to become accustomed to it. Survival of the fittest is not really applied here. We are all trying to survive, but we won't kill each other for some scraps of meat. Meat! The sound of meat makes my mouth water. But I must be strong. I am tiring of this. I know there must be more to life. I must seek Enlightenment.  I hope the Illustrious One will lead me closer to Nirvana.

Magh 26, 530 BCE Mangalwar

All my life I have followed my family's practices. I have sacrificed to the gods, and I have prayed every day. But, it seems to me that I am not getting any closer to achieving Nirvana. I believe it is time for me to go my own way and discover my own path to Nirvana. Today I shall go to my closest friend Govinda, and I shall go to my father, and tell him my plan to move on. I have told my good friend Govinda that I am leaving to start my journey to the path leading to enlightenment. After a discussion between Govinda and I, he finally gave me his consent and decided to travel with me. I will now go seek the consent of my father. Last night was the hardest night to get through in my entire life. My father was more than displeased with the decision I have made. He nearly lost it and was very upset and at first said, "Absolutely not." But, I held my ground and showed him just how important this is to me and how dedicated I am to reaching my goal, and he finally, after a long night, said yes. I said good-bye to my mother and set off with Govinda.